Once I was at a social gathering with the usual small talk happening. The highlights of discussion were fashion, popular ongoing dramas, tried and tested recipes. And almost every desi woman’s aching nerve, in laws.
In those days I had just started taking Qur’an classes and my spirituality was at somewhat of a peak. I was quick to point out how talking about someone in their absence (backbiting/gheeba) is kinda haram in Islam. And much to everyone’s dismay, I went on to enumerate what comes under backbiting.
There was some nodding of heads, some “uhum’s” and “oohhh’s”. Someone pitched in, “yes gheeba is like eating the flesh of your dead brother”. Everyone knows that one. Then there was some silence when someone finally said, “If we don’t talk about people lest it becomes gheeba, what do we talk about then?”
That was a moment of realisation:
We become so used to talking about others, we don’t realise it can be a bad thing. We just love it! It’s like second nature to many of us because many grew up with hearing nothing but gossip around us. For instance, gossip at home, in social gatherings, in schools, on TV. Most people don’t know anything besides.
We can talk about others for various reasons. We do it to express our anger, misgivings and jealousy. Sometimes we do it out of arrogance and self righteousness. At others we do it out of our insecurities. For instance, we talk about others to make ourselves feel good by putting others down. Yet most of the time we do it just for the sake of it. For the mere leisure, pleasure and fun. Or as mentioned above, out of a deeply ingrained habit.
Over the years I have come to learn, many things which have become a part of our individual and communal culture are not liked in our faith.
Our Faith calls upon us to bring out the best in ourselves and others. Treating others with respect and integrity is a sign of believer and foundations of a well functioning society.
Hence, it is not permissible for a Muslim to spread rumours, gossip or engage in backbiting another person. Backbiting and slandering are major sins in Islam. These sins are forbidden by Allah because they cause enmity and discord and spread evil amongst people. This can cause hostilities between neighbours, friends and also ultimately lead to some people severing family ties.
Allah says in the Holy Qur’an:
O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah, verily, Allah is the One who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.
Surah Hujarat:12
Allah has likened backbiting to eating a dead brother’s flesh. Why? Just as a dead person can not come to defend himself, a person who is being talked about in his absence can not come to justify himself. Also the example shows how hideous of an act backbiting should be considered.
Before I go further, let’s clarify….
What is backbiting/gheeba?
According to a Hadith, The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,
“Do you know what is backbiting?” The Companions said: “Allah and His Messenger know better.” Thereupon he said, “Backbiting is talking about your (Muslim) brother in a manner which he dislikes.” It was said to him: “What if my (Muslim) brother is as I say.” He said, “If he is actually as you say, then that is backbiting; but if that is not in him, that is slandering.”
Muslim
This means mentioning something about a person (in his absence) which he dislikes to have mentioned. It can be anything about his physical appearance, religious characteristics, worldly affairs, character, wealth, children, etc etc. It’s the same whether you mention it by words, through writing or indicate with gestures.
Some examples….
It’s a common practice in our culture to make fun of people (family, neighbours or otherwise) based on their physical appearance. “She is too dark”, “he is too thin”, “she is too fat”, “she is too short”.
In religious matters: “she’s a hypocrite”, “she prays too fast”, “she doesn’t wear her hijab properly”, “he is a sinner”.
In other worldly matters: “did you see how she did that”, “she talks too much”, “she doesn’t keep her house clean”, “she doesn’t cook well”, etc etc.
Many times we pass on these comments crudely without giving any second thought to words rolling out of our mouths.
Allah says in the Qur,an:
Woe to every persistent slanderer, persistent defamer
Al-Humazah:1
In a Hadith The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,
A backbiter will not enter Paradise.
Bulugh ul-Maram
In another place in the Qur’an:
Those who love (to see) scandal published broadcast among the Believers, will have a grievous Penalty in this life and in the Hereafter: Allah knows, and you know not.
Surah Nur:19
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,
During the Mi’raj (the Night of Ascension), I saw a group of people who were scratching their chests and faces with their copper nails. I asked, ‘Who are these people, O Jibril?’ Jibril replied: ‘These are the people who ate flesh of others (by backbiting) and trampled people’s honour.
Abu Dawud
After reading all the above, I think all of us should do some introspection and avoid gheeba at all costs.
How to avoid backbiting?
Stop a person when she starts talking about someone to you. Or you can say something in favour of the person who is the target of backbiting. Similarly, in social gatherings where this is happening, you can distance yourself from the group.
A thing to remember is, when we choose to talk about someone we detest for some reason, we are only giving them the power to control our emotions. In return we only lose our time, energy as well as good deeds. As Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,
Whoever has wronged his brother, should ask for his pardon (before his death), as (in the Hereafter) there will be neither a Dinar nor a Dirham. (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to his brother, or, if he has done no good deeds, some of the bad deeds of his brother are taken to be loaded on him (in the Hereafter).
Sahih al-Bukhari
We definitely don’t want the load on us.
On the flip side….
If you are a victim of backbiting, take comfort in knowing that they are taking some load of accounting off you and helping you on the day of judgement. Of course it’s alright to protect your character if you feel it’s being threatened in the community. But do so with integrity. As a true believer, we must show discipline and emotional strength to overcome such petty contretemps.
And Allah knows best.
It’s a moment to moment daily struggle with gossip and backbiting happening everywhere around us. But I hope we are able to take a moral high ground and able to dodge it all gracefully.
Ameen.
This post is part of “This Is Not Islam Series”. Check out day 1 and day 2. Accompanying Insragram posts are here.
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