Relationships

The Best Advice I got as a Newlywed Bride

As a soon-to-be-wed or a newlywed bride, you will be the target of  all the banter and advice  in the world. All the relatives, aunties, friends acquantance and even strangers stop you to pass on the the wisdom of their marital experiences.  My case wasn’t any different. I admit I revelled in all that attention. As much as I appreciated everybody’s concerns for my blissful marital existence, I admit some of the advice for a blissful marital life was really amusing. Most of the things suggested would seem so obnoxious otherwise but made slight sense to my desi conditioned mind.

I wish I could rake my mind for all those instructions but for now I wiil quote the one advice which to this day still stands out and I would like to pass on to all the maiden sisters reading it right now. It came from a much respected senior colleague. We usually just exchanged greetings when passing by in the hallways. One day she pulled me aside to talk to me, I knew this had to be something serious.

She held my hand and went on to say:

“Enter a marriage with neutral a mentality. Don’t harbour preconcieved notions about anyone. Rather than seeing anyone through societal conditioned perceptions,

get to know the person as a person. Don’t have too many expectations of anyone”

These words, were a bit hard to swallow and digest at first because of all the seriousness considering all the light hearted pointers I had been getting so far. But that’s also got to be the only advice from an acquaintance that I have held onto all my married life.

Those early days right after our marriage were marked with some unexpected events but holding onto the above advice helped me pull through.  Those words really helped me cherish all the sweet little moments and overlook some unwarranted behaviour from an inconsiderate person or two.

The tragedy in our culture is that girls come into marriages pre-conditioned thinking their mother inlaw to be a “monster” in law. That kills any chance of developing a thriving, cooperative relationship. And who can blame these girls because they hear all these stories around them and see them played in their favoite  TV soaps. Yes many inlaws are toxic and would go to some crazy lengths to make your life miserable and that’s another story. One of the reasons we can’t build those respectful relationships is the unreasonable expectations we have for each other. “She didn’t do this”, “she didn’t do that”, “she didn’t say this or that”, “she should have done this”, etc, etc. All those unmet expectations result in built up of negativity and resentment towards each other which comes out in the most fatal ways. Thus it’s better not to have all those expectations and define your boundaries from the start to avoid disappontments on the behalf of both parties.

Given your inlaws are not  unreasonable people, we should try our best to actually get to know the people who come into our life by way of marriage and try to build a realtionship based on mutual trust, understanding and respect. If anyone doesn’t want to and rather foster ill feelings towards you, that’s their choice and let them be.

I don’t have that ideal and wonderful relationship with inlaws that I have suggested above. Don’t get me wrong. They are wonderful people. Sometimes the societal conditioning does gets the better of them and even me. But Alhamdulillah getting to know them as people has helped me navigate me through the highs and lows of these ties.

What do you think of my ramblings above? Let me know any advice that’s stuck with you through your married life 🙂

 

 

11 Comments

  1. That’s very good advice. Even having expectations of what a marriage is especially growing up watching Hollywood or Bollywood. These movies shape young minds and girls expect it to be all romance while it’s actually hard work on both sides.

  2. It’s true most girls enter in to a marriage with a preset mind of “me vs them”. Which doesn’t do anybody any good. This mentality strains the relationship before they are given a chance to build. Girls should allow some room for error before passing the verdict onntheir in laws. I dont mean the extremell cases of course.

  3. I totally agree with you “The tragedy in our culture is that girls come into marriages pre-conditioned thinking of their mother inlaw as a “monster” in law. “.
    This is so true! People always are hugely surprised with the fact that I ACTUALLY have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. She spent a month with me alone while my husband was away for work and I spend 6 weeks every summer with her when we go to Egypt.
    The problem is with the movies and TV shows that portray the monster-in-law and also when we listen to the people who have had bad experiences.

  4. All very good advice sister!

    I have a friend whose in-laws didn’t speak to her at all for the first three months of marriage, even though she was living with them.

    By the will of Allah, one year on they’re like best friends! And call each other Mum and daughter haha.

    Alhamdulillah, my in-laws have been very supportive of me and say hello through video calls every now and again. They live overseas.

    The best marriage advice I’ve heard is that both partners should put Allah first. That way all other affairs will be good and fall into place,

    Another thing is that the spark at the start of the relationship won’t always be as strong throughout the relationship. That’s when you really have to put in effort to make it work.

    Thanks for sharing this article sister. May Allah bless us all in our marriages. Aameen.

  5. Very good article sister , all the points you mentioned are true. Every girl has preset mind before getting married but yes patience , Efforts & Tawakkal on Allah is the key for successful married life….in sha Allah.

  6. Such a great post ma shaa Allah! Good advices in the comments too! I would advise to appreciate the similarities and understand differences. Take small steps to achieve your goals <3 JazakilAllahu Khayr for sharing this with us 💟

  7. Isn’t it for example on arranged marriage, parents are the ones choosing to whom their children will get married? Is this still happening on them too?

  8. Jamila Jones says:

    This is a very good subject, I can’t really remember the advise I was given but I can say that communication and patience is what works for my marriage

  9. I didn’t get much advice to be honest as it all happened so quick and noone in the UK knew it was going to happen!

    But have to agree with the advice given: get to know the person as a person

  10. That is really helpful advice that all newly married couples should hear! I totally agree with you, we should take the time to get to know others and not have huge expectations that could set us up for failure!

  11. Wonderful advice! Whatever expectations you have coming into a relationship should be let go. Unmet expectations can poison a marriage and we have to be careful to avoid forming them! Great advice!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.